Anxiety – a view

It’s now 19 months since my partner died. I’ve been spending more time with women, particularly older women. This is not surprising since I am one myself. (There’s a difference between old and older – I wouldn’t put myself in the “old” category until I’ve reached 90, if I do. I’m not sure that I want to.)
So this is a quite a big change. My partner was several years younger than me, in his late 40’s, so through him I came into contact with other, mostly younger, men. He worked and I work so our days were structured around work. Many of the women I know now, as I have met several new people and made new friends, for which I am grateful, no longer work, and their husbands are also retired. I have discovered this is an entirely different group of people with an entirely different way of spending their time.
And this is new to me. Of course, I have known most of my friends for a while so it’s only partly that there are people in my life who no longer work and their way of life is not new to them. But for me it’s like a window on to life for the older woman, and especially those who no longer work to earn.
Anxiety creeps in.
Sometimes the husbands, if they are around, contribute to the anxiety – they might have failing health; they might just be irritating or there are other problems which somehow don’t get dealt with – but often it’s just a kind of existential anxiety. And when we meet we talk about the things that make us anxious, and that we wish we could do something about, but mostly can’t.
For one friend it’s the anxiety engendered by suddenly finding herself on her own when her husband died, and she would prefer that he hadn’t. I entirely understand how she feels. It feels as if, finding ourselves on our own, without a partner and the children having long gone, anxiety presents itself at the back door, knocking, and giving so many reasons why it should be let in. I feel this. And sometimes it slips in when we are looking the other way. Somehow the door is left open and when I turn round there it is, challenging, and rationalising its presence.
I also, of course, know several women of my age and older, who do work, either full or part time, and some of these are on their own, without partners / husbands. Do they have anxiety? Well, yes. Women of all ages have anxiety. We seem to specialise in it in a way that men do not. It seems to be part of modern life. But when you’re younger you still have so many roles that you are playing and that take up a lot of time and energy and so anxiety often sits in the background, whittling away at energy levels, causing difficulties with sleeping, digestive disturbances etc, but you get on and do the things that you have to do, because they have to be done.
But this is not the particular manner of anxiety that I am currently looking at, close up so to speak.
I think that for me, there are two things going on. One is to do with loss. The loss of a partner leads to other losses. Where there were two people sharing their lives now there is one. One person is suddenly living alone who previously was not. No-one to talk to, watch television with, go for a walk with, have breakfast with, cuddle and make love with. Now there’s just one person. This can lead to a huge loss of confidence and a loss of identity. Who am I now? Thus comes the anxiety.
The other is, what to do about it? What do I do now? And how do I get it right? Because now I’m closer to the end of my life than the beginning.
I think I have to go back to the drawing board. When something or someone goes out of your life it leaves a gap, which has to be filled. And, for me at least, it has to be purposeful and fulfilling. It’s not enough to fill my time by entertaining myself from here to the next corner, and then the one after that. I think that eventually that will lead to more anxiety, not less.
A drawing board is empty until you put something on it. I found a quote on the Internet a few days ago, “ Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.”
So here goes.
I think the answer, or one contender, is in being creative – writing, painting, decorating, making baskets, knitting, sewing, whatever. Something that comes from within, not without. As long as we are looking to be filled by things that come from without then we are likely, to some extent, to become dependent on them. Even family and friends, wonderful as they can be, come from without and really, they are the icing on the cake. It’s the cake itself that is my life. Cake without icing is do-able – not fun, but do-able, and there’s always some icing. But icing without cake is not do-able. Sugar has no nutritional value whatsoever. It’s a poison and extremely addictive. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to fall into that anxiety trap and forget that I’ve always got cake.

Making changes

This is difficult. My life is going through huge changes at the moment, due to the loss of my partner, and family adjustments, and my own adjustments, to a new way of living. I had not anticipated this, in any way, and it is making me feel vulnerable and exposed to this world with all of its challenges and apparent chaos. I feel a profound lack of order and a solid base in my emotional life. I’ve gone off at a tangent, having had no choice in the matter and the scenery around me is new and strange.

My brave words in the championing of older women no longer feel entirely right or appropriate. I still believe wholeheartedly in the concept and I still champion older women but I have to think again and employ a softer approach, more understanding and more compassionate. This place where I now find myself, standing alone, without a partner, is rather frightening and I realise that many women of my age, or any age, have been here before me.

This is not about feeling happy or not happy. That word, at the moment, is also not appropriate. What I feel is raw and tender. Almost as if I were a baby and brand new and delicate. I have to look after myself. I think this feeling is more familiar to older women (and probably older men, too) than I had known. By the time we reach 50, or 60 or older – there is no upper age limit – lots of things have happened to us, and they haven’t all been easy or comfortable. We sometimes feel the need to withdraw and lick our wounds; hibernate and eat the dirt, as animals do when they are sick.

I want to create an online community of women, women like me, those who are raw and vulnerable as well as those waving the flag. I’m sure there are lots of us; we want to make a contribution and to be reassured that we are of value. That our years of life experience count and that we can have a positive impact. These are the wisdom years and this wisdom would like to be put to good use.

If we take humanity to be one body of seven billion or so individual sparks, then the waking up to itself of each spark makes a difference to the whole. Will the spark that we are be weakly sputtering, feeling itself hopeless and powerless, or will it be a light shining brightly, illuminating the space around it and able to create what it wants, what it feels to be right and appropriate and thereby making a contribution and a difference. Or something in between. How bright does your light shine? How bright does my light shine?